Leaving a city that you're not yet ready to leave

Is really a lot more difficult that I could have ever imagined... Beautiful Mark U wrote an update on his FB account this week that sort of captured my sentiment about bcn... but he's waxing about Montreal...

"Montreal is that hot f'cked-up chick who says she loves you but is still sleeping with her ex. You leave, but you miss her. You go back, you loathe yourself."

Barcelona is kind of like that with me as from a distance I can clearly see how not just my ridiculously complicated life (for personal reasons of course) but also the way things are there as a whole... the gigantic chasm of apathy that sucks even the most productive pro-active person into no matter how hard they fight it. For me it's a city of great beauty but of also great hardship.

I find it funny as a lot of local people can't fathom why anyone who wasn't from there would want to live there... It seems like a no-brainer but in the end you know what I can see a bit more of their logic now. My mum asked me once... just what it was about Barcelona that was so damn good that caused me to flagrantly overlook the bad... I could not for the life of me answer the question. Was it the horrible tiny expensive flat I lived in? Was it the job that had me working like a zombie? Was it the massive crime rate? Just what was it about this mythical 'quality of life' reason that had any substance to it? I still remain perplexed but yet my heart yearns to be back there but perhaps it's really more my spirit.

I used to joke with people that there are only 3 reasons people end up living in Barecelona:

1) To run away from something... broken heart, broken career... something that didn't work and you don't want to face.

2) Because you fell in love - this again is a very valid one as there are many linked hearts in bcn fueled by summer romances or romantic chance touristic meetings. The pull is strong and the backdrop so damn romantic you can't help but fall without heeding to logic.

4) Because your work transferred you there... this is the category that has the most potential as it means there is financial backing and that there is probably a good logical reason. This is essential for survival... but all too quickly people that fall into this category seem to reveal that there was perhaps a few elements of the first two points to factor in as well...

Life is certainly not easy in Barcelona. Mind you, if you have the luck to have a partner who actually has a job as well and you both pull in more than the mythical mile euros al mes... then you may just have a shot at floating if not even prospering in the cuidad comtal.

My greatest sadness is that I never had that chance to enjoy it that way. I cut off way more than i could chew on the personal side and ended up supporting a certain individual for more than 5 years... that my friends was my error. But all things said... I lived, I learned Spanish... I had an amazing little girl and damn it for the first and hopefully not last time in my life I lived by the beautiful sea.

So Barcelona, I miss you, and yes I feel I was a bit chewed up and spit out by you, but I am not alone.... So all you new venturers who brave the challenge good luck. I'll most certainly not be a stranger to the fair city by the sea... but for the foreseeable future, just as a guest.

Soo....

The painting remains untouched... and so does the first one I started a few weeks ago. Both nearly finished but abandoned at the finishing line... we'll get them sorted eventually I keep telling myself...

I've been doing my best to keep my very ridiculously busy workload in check and really use some of my 'sort out life' time wisely but it's an ever elusive goal. I swear my friends and family deserve gold medals for all the therapy they're pumping out my way to help heal from all of this life upheaval.

On another impossible-esq task we finally found a nice giftie for my mum for her 60th birthday. It's no small feat as she hates spas... has more clothes than madonna and isn't one for any fussy luxuries... yet we wanted to get her something symbolic for this birthday as it's quite the milestone. So after searching and re-confirming that we have VERY expensive taste we settled for this lovely ring we found at tiffany's. We LOVED the gold one but the price did not LOVE us... the silver one is beautiful too. It's got 5 bands... symbolizing one for each of her daughters and grand daughters. It's delicate and timeless. We just hope she likes it as she's not worn any jewelry since my father died and she stopped wearing her wedding band. We where kind of hoping she loved it and would wear it every day as a reminder of all her girls and how much we love her!
The Elsa Peretti wave five-row ring (pretty!)

It was so funny to enter into a shop like Tiffany's. If you know me it's something that I'm sure you can't imagine me ever doing... nor quite frankly likely to ever do again... But I found it fascinating the diamonds. I had no idea they existed like that. I mean i've seen some real whoppers worn by some ladies while I was working down in South Kensington when I was living in London and such but wow, to see them like that in the shop I was really dazzled. I was a small bit saddened as the little canadian girl in me I guess has the princess dream still flickering in the back of my mind that one day I'll get married and be given a lovely ring (not that i could even fathom the likes of these ones) but that I would have that *gasp* moment with someone I really loved... the realist in me is very quick to refute this ridiculous fantasy as it's simply so wasteful in spending what could surely be considered a solid down payment on a house on a shiny rock... It's all just a bit ridiculous and showy really... but I am happy for the people to whom it brings joy to them for having such things. The biggest value to me would be a person who love and adored me as I did them and wanted to spend their life with Sienna and I (no shiny rocks required)... and that my friends would be the greatest gift in the world... no small task of course... well we'll just store that away in the pipe dream file for the time being...

good days and bad, good days and bad.

*deep breath*

Apart from the daily grind

That is most certainly the daily grind these days... I managed to squeeze in a tiny bit of painting this afternoon...

He's not finished yet... he needs to be much more pink... but we're getting there... and I know, I know... it's not a naked lady! What ever has become of me? I guess we can thank Luca who strongly insisted that I try painting something other than a naked lady... So sienna chose a lion and a pink one of course so we're working to that... looks a bit sinister right now... I kind of like it that way... maybe I should leave him half done. What do you think? lots more texture or stop!?!?

This day started waaaaaaay early

to the tune of 3h30 am...but finishing work this early is also a bonus. I'll catch a cat nap on the way to my gp's house this afternoon which should help re-vitalize.

Lilli has been my faithful or not so faithful early morning work compainion... some good she is!


I'm at long last having a positive day having at last past through the other side of a pretty 'down' first part of the week. But happiness is on the way back... and it will be good and balanced happiness. Or so the plan goes...

I'm mostly missing you today... you know who you are *wink*

okay and you too....

*kiss*

note to self

you may not pass go, you may not collect 200 dollars until you're damn well sorted.

Stop kidding youself that i can be any other way...

back of the class and detention after school.

I want to drop out...

lifting spirits

back working today (remotely) and it seems to have help lift my spirits a lot which is good. How peverse if you ask me.

The mild climes today meant fog in the early morning which made things look right spooky.

Lilli is preparing for hallowe'en with her little costume. I've got some better pics of it i'll put up later...

BatFink!!!!

i've been torturing myself

i've been looking at some of the flats that i've lived in before in london... rented of course and shared but man... when you look back at some of them I can't imagine how lucky I was to have that experience. It would take a lifetime of insane work to even remotely be able to afford any of them anymore! Best get checking my lotto numbers...

or alternately best set the bar a wee bit lower and give myself a bit of a break.

moving to a quaint little pueblo somehwere has never seemed so appealing... an no, brampton is not considered a pueblo... nice try kj.

un pequeñito por favor

si la persona de Apaseo El Grande quien esta leyendo mi blog al mínimo 5 veces al dia puede contactarme? Estoy segura que conoces algo de Alfredo o eres el... por favor. déjame un comentario con tus datos y podemos hablar??? Se puede ayudar el futuro de una niña inocente que merece seguridad en su pequeña vida.

Gracias.

you know you're in Canada when...

• you turn on the hot tap in a public toilet and hot water actually comes out
• 'small' in most shops is too big...
• you find yourself saying... "my god this simply does not exist in Spain"
• You find yourself saying 100 times a day 'man it's damn cold'
• 21h seems like a reasonable time to go to bed
• 5 am seems like a resonable hour to get up
• They give you food you don't finish when dining out. to 'take home'

that pretty much sums up my reality.

don't get me wrong. the family portion of this stopover is lovely. The rest of it will take some adjusting to.

But explain to me one thing? why is spotify not available here? Is this some cruel torture?

Paging Alfredo "Fredy" Durante

Anyone who reads my blog who knows Alfredo "Fredy" Durante Tejero please have him contact me regarding his whereabouts so I can serve him papers regarding custody of our child.

It's got to be official so here it is on the www.

Life's fun yea?

Well we've just got to roll with it. Get it sorted and move on.

thank you... now back to regular blogging.

it should be...

getting better... things should be starting to feel more positive and move forward and all that. But it's not. My life remains fragmented and my heart feels like it's going to give up.

Day one of holiday

I'm feeling guilty as that's what I do best really... but Sienna started her new school today and I've got one whole week to myself to try and rest and recover from this seemingly never ending ordeal. I think it's been so long in coming that I almost don't even know what to do with myself. You just run on empty for such a long time you forget how to re-fuel. The plan is for now, gym, painting, sleeping and as few life admin things as possible.

I've just finished doing some research through some stock photo sites for inspiration. I found the image i used as a base for the Chiara painting way back when... neat to see the original image and then the end result next to one and other...

I'm mostly...

loving the fact that in Canadialandia I can wear a size 6! Hilarious. I don't quite believe it but we'll roll with it. KJ insighted a great deal of expenditure yesterday which of course today has brought a bit of buyer's remorse but considering that everything was 40% off it could have been a lot worse!

Thanksgiving supper yesterday was a success and Lilli surprisingly didn't have to be quarantined. The girls played together and I think had the best time out of everyone. The exhaustion at the end of the day was apparent for all. Most comically the girls where outside trying out their new hockey sticks. Sienna has a lot of catching up to do in order to become a bit more 'canadian'. I think they look more like they are sweeping rather than playing hockey!



However she wasn't tired enough to sleep in this morning and by half past 7 in the morning she was outside playing with her new sand box that her cousing mark bought for her. She has been spoiled rotten since we arrived. I'm not quite sure she'll ever agree to leave here!



I on the other hand am missing Barcelona dearly. But i know this is the only option for us right now so I need to just focus on getting back on track and moving away from all the harm and negativity that certain parties cast on us. Sometimes time just doesn't tick fast enough and when your heart is somewhere but your body is elsewhere you quickly feel quite disassembled. I'm furiously dreaming about the positive and amazing energies I've been blessed with lately. Dreams dreams and more dreams. They help bridge the gaps. But the butterflies are still there in my tummy. I hope they stay a good long while.

Jet lag

means half six in the morning wake ups... but i'm planning to try and keep hold of the early starts and get my work day done by early afternoon when I start back up working in about a week's time.

I took Sienna and Lilli for a very chilly walk last evening. We didn't make it too too far but Sienna trooped through the leaves and was quite entertained. Lilli is filled with terror and I don't see her adjusting too too well to the climate here. Wait till she sees snow!

We're celebrating a delayed thanks giving here today as last weekend my grandfather was in the hospital and we where still in Spain. I think I"ll have to sedate the poor dog as having 16 people in the house will cause her to have a nervous breakdown... don't worry I won't actually do that to her i'm not that evil! My grandfather has requested poutine and so i am happy to oblige. It's nice that we're here to spend some time with him as he's been increasingly ill and thus we're starting to worry that these may be his last days with us. Which is fair as he's 92 but we're not quite ready to see him off yet! Instead we'll enjoy all the time we have with him.

Luca's fiesta major seemed to be a great success last night. We were so sad to not be there but the text i received at half nine Spanish time this morning confirms that it went on until the wee hours of the next day! Sounds quite righteous.

Joey and Pierre are getting married today in a small civil ceremony in Scotland. It was planned this way so both their parents could be there to witness. But I'm sad they didn't do the Tuscan adventure that they had once talked about. Maybe we can do a celebration there this summer for them!?!?! Por esto me apunto!

Drink the water...

"Drink the water" he tells me... it's not about the glass being half full or half empty or in my insistence that the glass is 'teetering dangerously close to the edge of the table and about to fall off'... it's all a matter of perspective and the way you chose to look at things in invariably affects their outcome. So drink it i did and i hope to continue to do so :)

we arrived safely after a long journey. who would have thought that travelling with a small child and a small dog would have not been a nightmare. It's not a new life for me I keep insisting. It's a new chapter as you can never erase the past events you can just keep moving forwards and creating new and better ones. Again... it's all about perspective. See I do listen!

Did I mention I've got 2 weeks off? Yes that is a very very nice thing after all of this. I can't remember that last time that I've felt such need for some time off!

Time is ticking swiftly

And the hours left here in bcn are nearly up. Not knowing a final destination means that my packing and shipping of things has been fragmented. Measuring and costing up the best options of what to send where and when as over-spilled throughout my house.

We popped out a little bit this afternoon so that little miss I want to destroy everything instead of helping could burn off some steam. We met up with Mele and Nico and Nacho and Chiara and Luca at JC's new bar that he's just taken over called Bar Salvador. As they've just recently opened and not many people have figured out it exists on a Sunday now whereas in it's past life it was only open during the week at lunch time... it was empty. It was a perfect substitute living room for Sienna to romp around and play with all of them before we jet off.

Chiara and mele snapped some lovely pics but here is a lovely one of miss sienna and uncle luca.

Too many goodbyes

are always so hard. leaving somewhere you don't want to leave is impossibly difficult but still necessary. I guess I'm firmly locking into the anger phase of this process... I don't have much choice now I've made the decisions I have. I've got to stick with them.

I've had the joy and allegria of some light in my life in the past week. In some ways I'm feeling like a teenager again and really enjoying it. I am so blessed to have so much love around me. I am indeed enjoying it, but that of course makes it even harder to leave... but all new chapters must start somewhere.

Chiarita, Millie, Moi (an update to this pic will follow in January!)

Summer is defiantly on it's way out...

The cool breezes are certainly blowing through, but the sun is still shining which is always good. Some parties have been enjoying the spoils of bribery in that if she goes to sleep without crying she is sometimes rewarded with an ice cream. The other day she requested a blue one. I had to search high and low for one but I found it! And man did she ever enjoy it! It's not for the faint hearted as apparently it comes back out the same colour too.... ewwwwwwwwwwww yea i know i know thanks for sharing...



Leave it to the every law abiding canadian's to get kicked off the beach in barcelona early on a sunday morning... a cuntish german lifeguard turfed us for having a 'dog'. I'm like??? the height of summer there are dogs swimming for goodness sake! But because we're obedient little people we left.. but i snapped some wicked photies while we where there...


Maria and Miss Lilli


Miss Sienna and a pretty butterfly (how i got this shot i'll never quite know)

So after being dejected from the beach we went to a second hand sale that Layla was selling her wares at... I snagged a 100% silk hoss dress for 5 euros! Schweeet... now i just have to decide if i'm going to keep it or ebay it and make some real moolah from it...

Starting over...

well it needs to start somewhere. Although I fear being over exposed writing on my blog, I'll be damned to give it up after nearly 10 years of writing.

Things are winding up for wee me, Lilli Martini and I here in Barcelona. There are many a sad tale to tell about how and why and such but it makes no sense to dwell on past events. We wish certain individuals in our recent past a good riddance and while feeling sad for them have accepted to move on and avoid any further bad things.

The move is a tough one as it's always hard to leave somewhere that you are not ready to leave. But in this situation time is of the essence and the faster we're in a positive, less-stressful environment the better. Doing so however is no small task. I used to be the queen of picking up my life in an instant and flitting on to something different. However in the last 10 years my life has changed quite a lot and it's no longer just me that I have to account for. The winds are blowing in a northerly direction. But nothing is certain yet and with the way things have been going lately the final port may just be somewhere entirely different. We're trying to keep things in stride and keep the options open.

I'm blessed that my mum has been here with us for the past month and she's been a rock for me.

However we're embracing the 'living in the now' mantra and enjoy this sunny merce fesitval weekend. The last bit of Spanish culture before we depart. Wish us luck!

Where am I?

Asked my ever loyal ATG... a bit here there and everywhere. Rough times for me mean a complete stop to writing... I'm praying that I'm about to come out the other side now... but the light at the end of the tunnel could very well be a train... lets wait and see. So in the interim I"ll do my best to muster up some pics from summer fun that has been had so far. So many visitors there has not been a dull moment...

Miss Sienna and Miss Lilli whooped it up today at the fiesta major de Gracia. They entered the pet competition and won! They beat out the competition and came home with fun prizes for Lilli including enough food to keep her fed for about 4 months... she's glaring at me from the other side of the bed as she was none too pleased to have to a) leave the house b) have sienna walk her and c) go up on stage in front a crowd of people. The dog bowl they gave her as a prize as well is a good size for a bed so hey, we're greatful!


The entry (Sienna wasn't even a tiny bit shy) Lilli made sure to look terrified.


Cute puppy that was up for adoption


no, no matter how cute you look up at me with those 'can we have this puppy eyes' the answer is sadly, no.

And the girls step up to claim their 'smallest dog prize'

Kudos to me for managing to do it all in Catalan... I didn't say anything I left that up to Sienna but I had to follow the instructions... nerve wrecking!

Auntie Jo jo was one of many visitors and she spoiled wee sienna rotten...


Dave and Lisa and her beautiful kiddies stopped by too and Sienna had a blast chasing after them trying to keep up!


And then there was the 5 minutes peace and the cost saving girlie congregation on my terrace to do mani pedis with Chiara and Millie


And other than that... well too many things but we're spinning round and round. Lets just hope we stop at the right place!


and watch out to make sure we don't get ourselves into trouble

and give everyone including dada lots of hugs



and of course keep busy... and keep chins up and try my best to start writing again... that may help?